終於盼到了這一天。今天上的針灸概論。老師畢業於南京，是個年輕優雅的書生。
從此，除了週六以外每天都要上一門四小時的課。有點像是小學二年級的生活。一門課感覺還好，不知道六門課一起壓下來是什麼樣子。
我自己也開始了課外的中醫教材的研讀。不過，六門課外，是不是還能好好把學校不教的中醫經典讀過？
我開始意識到，自己的心態與作法要改變了。從今天起，我不再是個中醫的業餘愛好者。我不再只能興之所至，想看什麼就看什麼。我不再能只懂幾個好用的穴位、方劑。我不再能只知其然不知所以然。我甚至連寫中醫有關的文章的時候，都需要更謹慎。
我得像小學生或私塾童子一樣，過規律、甚至是有紀律的生活。在固定的時間，定下來把該讀的東西讀完、背熟。該看教科書、讀經典，不能再花太多時間漫遊在網路上的中醫文章。我得做好心理準備，以前最想做的這些事，成為本業後，難免變得無聊、困難重重，就像使用電腦軟體很有趣，接受電腦工程師的訓練卻完全不是那麼回事。
要成為一個醫人而不只是醫病的良醫，我甚至得好好回頭把四書、史記拿來看。論語是我的第一部從課外讀物變成功課的東西。
「善針者，善導引也。」下針要能立竿見影，除了選穴、定位、補瀉手法的嫻熟以外，醫師身上又有足夠的正氣，既能有很大的加分效果，也能讓醫者自身避免病氣所害。因此在自己的人格提昇、氣功的鍛鍊，同樣要每日不斷提醒自己。
最後，兩年後臨床要碰上許多講英文的病人。對自己的聽說能力，應該要比當工程師有更高的要求。
時間有限，要做的事太多，更顯出生活紀律的重要。
延伸閱讀：對中醫教育的五點意見
Posted: TCM notes (中醫筆記)
昨天中午，在韓國餐廳點了一碗麵。沒仔細看清楚，上了以後才知道是涼麵。涼麵不打緊，它真是好辣。吃了半碗多就飽了，肚子也開始對它的溫度和辣度吃不消，只是最後還是慢慢地把它吃完。
晚上到今天一整天，就發生了一些狀況。不確定這食物的影響有多大。
昨天早上，所有的家當運抵。花了一整天打掃與拆箱歸位，忙到今天都還沒忙完。室內很熱，拼命發汗，冷氣卻不濟事。下半夜睡得很不安穩，今早起床時才五點不到。猜想過辣可能傷了肺。
今天一整天都有輕微的偏頭痛。汗流到虛脫的感覺，卻又怕風與冷氣。身體對於溫度變化的容忍度很低。與五月時的太陽中風很像。
中午去吃飯時，遇到另一位新生與陪同前來的父親。被邀請一起吃午餐，另一位帶他們的學長引見我們認識一位在餐廳旁的中醫診所的開業學長。
晚上，學長打來聊了一下。從他當時轉讀中醫的決定談起，很快進入重點，是問我有沒有意願到他的診所當助理。
談到他當兵的那一段，被問到以前我是當什麼兵。
「嗯…我是女生耶。」
「喔，抱歉，因為妳聲音比較…」
「對，我的聲音真是低到不行。」
所以，聲音是多麼重要的一個印象與線索（cue）。不然，怎麼會在新生的父親始終稱我小姐的情況下，他還把我當先生。
至於打工，我就先用學校的課業還不知有多重為由擱置了。雖然我燒錢燒很凶，但是成為良醫是第一要務。雖然是診所的工作，了不起是讓我看到診所的經營，對我的醫術會有進步嗎？我深深存疑。在這種狀況下，就算一週能賺個一兩百塊美元，一則不多，二則如果耽誤到自己的學習，則是得不償失，為我所不願。就跟有人為了零用錢跑去Starbucks打工一樣（^^）。
反之，如果是當學徒、跟診，即便沒錢，但對於我的醫術能有助益，我也會樂意。
晚上本來飯菜都煮好了，結果卻又被新生和他父親邀出去吃飯。那是一個八個人的圓桌飯局。我這才發現，原來在加州，X濟的人就散布在我身邊。聽到同桌的X濟詩姐談到的活動，數量之多，讓我退步三舍，只想以後適當保持一些距離。
不是說我否定他們或他們的團體。而是每個人都會有他自己專注的一個cause（理念）。如果我要撥時間去搞課外活動，我會選擇在同學會的平台發揮（而且我打死不再碰吃吃喝喝的活動。為什麼伊利諾的同學會會有讀書會，我卻只會辦吃喝玩樂的活動？同學會真的能幹更多有意義的事），或是投入LGBT的運動。再說，在修行上，我不傾向X濟的切入方式。
離開餐廳的路上，我再次下定決心。往後三四年間，我要讓自己的生活與交友絕對地單純。飯局能免的就免了吧！朋友，以義相交。以利相交、玩樂相交的，不碰。
晚餐席間，師姐談到她接待的一位加州大學的新生（終於知道為什麼這邊不需要台灣同學會了，這應該就是原因之一），有紅斑性狼瘡。談到這個病對這個新生在飲食、住屋、交通方面的影響。
我趁機會問當中醫，且有在用醫聖張仲景的傷寒方的新生父親，紅斑性狼瘡中醫有沒有辦法處理。
他的答案，我很不滿意。
如果，我不是知道它可以治，而且以後我也要會治，我不會投入中醫的行列。
Posted: Health journal (筆記), Life (生活瑣碎), Transition (性別轉換)
來加州後，一直沒有辦法煮藥，直到昨天把廚房清了出來，早上終於放了第一帖的水藥下去煎。
只有吃丸劑的情況下，身體的健康倒是繼續進步中。作息上，我有越來越早睡的趨勢。昨天甚至十點半就上床了。看到東岸的同學還在趕作業，我實在很慶幸這個提前落跑的決定。
前天夜裡，一度全身又癢得難耐，讓我一度懷疑是不是飲食造成濕熱所致。不過，馬上想到來加州之後，腳底的溫度越來越改善。即使進了超市被冷下來，出了室外多半也能在半小時左右回復溫熱。額面的熱度也降了下來。我便很放心地起身，敷一些好陣子沒上的止癢藥粉，練練功，一覺到天亮。
倒是因為右肩皮膚的問題（理由？）把氣功停了一段時日後，現在甩起手來的感覺真是大不如前，大概要好一段時間才能重新抓到那種平衡吧！現在，肩膀的皮膚雖然好了大半，卻因為這段時間在床上或地上使用筆記型電腦，而發炎疼痛。
今早起床，檢視自己的指甲，在色澤與月牙皆有進步，也與其他的健康表徵恰為一致。藥開始煮後，也把米洗了，丟入慢鍋，期待稍晚吃到自己煮的第一碗稀飯。開始看內經。
Posted: Health journal (筆記), Life (生活瑣碎)
人的命運輪迴，真的是很不容易擺脫。這一點，可以從C6被選上同學會的會長看到。一個起心動念，就招感這樣的果。
我呢，才來一週，已經從新生變成老生，接著應該又要招待其他的新生。我們從Day 1的長談開始，就觸及在成為良醫以外的另一個大夢，可以從同學會的平台上開始育成。於是，一些當初在UF的台灣同學會中來不及實現，原以為後面也不可能有人去實現的夢，現在換了一個學校，換了一群更廣大的服務對象，又見到了曙光。而且這一次的實現機會，需要自己先成為良醫，才有可能去完成。能在習醫之後，不會浪費過去在資工領域所擲的青春，這真是件令人興奮的事。
說好我只幹小嘍囉。姓C的能力強主見也強，我在下面，比較不會有越權或其他合作上的惡夢重演。覆轍希望不會重蹈。
把廚房大致清完，冰箱裡裡外外徹底自己洗刷數回，還用酒精把頑垢去掉。
明天應該可以把家裡打掃完、把後門露台（patio）的泥土翻鬆。以後可以埋藥渣、種點東西。
預計後天所有佛州的家當可以運抵。
Posted: Life (生活瑣碎), SBU
Melamine-contaminated milk has causes many cases of serious conditions, including four child deaths.
Taiwan’s Ma administration reacted ridiculously on this. The first thing I learned they did was that they used the samples provided by the manufacturers (if you were a merchant, would you provide problematic samples?), and, after examinations, the officials endorsed their milk, telling Taiwanese people the milk was safe to drink. A couple of legislators prepared a cup of milk of one of the brands. They asked if the official would drink it, and nobody dared.
The second ridiculous thing they did just yesterday was to lower the standard for safe melamine levels. Now, all China-made milks are SAFE! I guess they can blame the previous Chen administration for setting a strict standard.
President Ma is always right. Ha Ha!
為什麼要用英文寫政治？幹，當然是要宣揚國威囉！
Posted: Gossip (閒扯八卦)
Back in Gainesville, most students get a T-mobile cellphone number. Since most Taiwanese students uses T-mobile, most people have no worry about insufficient free monthly minutes. Most people don’t even get a land line (“home phone number”). They do buy international phone cards or SkypeOut credits for making long distance calls, since it’s ridiculously expensive to make international calls with cellphones.
This is generally not the case in other parts of the US. Now I am thinking about getting a land line in my new home. Several options are available. The first one is AT&T. They offer a plan that costs $11 with unlimited local calls (yes, ONLY local, but Chunghwa Telecom (中華電信) charges more for local calls). Long distance calls, as I figured from their websites, are included in plans that are sold separately. They do have a plan that offers unlimited domestic calls $40, but this still feels crazy to me.
I found a VoIP solution from Phone Power. All their plans offer unlimited domestic calls. One of them, if paid in full for the first year, gives you the 2nd year free. The average monthly rate for the first two years, then, is less than $10, tax included. The only requirement is an existing Internet connection; the hardware is for free lease. You just pick our phone number (choose your own area code!) and plug the traditional telephone into the hardware and you are good to go.
Phone Power’s international call rates are comparable to SkypeOut. For example, the SkypeOut rate for Taiwan is $.021/min, and Phone Power is $.02/min. The most fascinating things about it are that you don’t have to keep your computer on all the time to receive calls for free (remember incoming cellphone calls also count toward your free minutes) and that the SkypIn counterpart is already included in the monthly charge. The number you pick is portable, so you can carry it to other phone companies.
I am considering giving out only the new phone number (xxx)660-1688 and keep the cellphone to myself. When I leave home, I just have to forward it to my cellphone; the forwarding is free.
Their customer service person told me it basically works with fax machine. I wondered.
Posted: Solutions
有句諺語「cold hand, warm heart」，形容一個人外表冷淡實際上卻心腸很好。最早開始用這個譬喻的，如果懂一點中醫，可能就會避免用cold hand這個譬喻吧！
認識了社區的辦公室（leasing office）裡的助理。握完手，她當下脫口而出的反應：「You have a warm hand!」我才意識到她手是冰的。我開玩笑回答「But I have a cold heart!」心裡則是想：「妳要不要摸一下我腳底，保證也比妳的還熱。」
在Gainesville最便宜的超市，買足我一週要吃的食物，大概要二十塊出頭。在加州我住的地方，今天下午陪同學一起去採買兼熟悉環境。見她買了兩人份的食物，只花了$18不到。許多的水果，硬是比佛州便宜一半以上。真是欺負人！
猶太人稱放血過的肉為kosher，回教人稱為halal。
lamb fries是什麼？
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: English (英文課), Life (生活瑣碎), SBU
同學教了我一句話，「Once you go black, you cannot go back.」
怎麼辦，我已經看上了一台黑色的冰箱了… :)
Posted: Soliloquy (自言自語)
「杯那」，其中杯要用台語的讀法。
Posted: English (英文課)
八月中時去更新駕照。我一直納悶為什麼直到今天都還沒收到正式駕照。
剛剛初步查了一下，才發現已經在9/3被取消。我猜，佛州的監理單位是在準備把它核發寄出前，去查了我的I-20狀態吧！我的I-20是在八月下旬release到新的學校的。
搞了老半天，我一直到我十月初拿到護照好去加州的監理單位考照之前，根本就是無照駕駛。
我對佛州的政府單位最痛恨的一點，現在已經不是他們會拖過temporary driving permit的有效時間了，而是他們既然不發照，好歹也該寫封信通知我。
話說回來，如果我有被通知到了，以我抵達加州、收到車子、車被砸破、所有證件被偷的時間點看來，我大概也是沒有機會及時取得加州駕照了。
如果有人想避免這種狀況，最重要的要先去renew拿到新的駕照，再去release I-20。
我也真的很倒楣。駕照的有效期限和決定換學校的時間，發生在同一個月。這實在不是每個人都遇得到呀。
Posted: Soliloquy (自言自語)
我一直說癌症是嚴師，不教到會是絕不罷手的。錯誤的醫療、飲食、作息、運動、心靈，沒有從頭懺悔，乖乖去實踐，癌細胞肯定是會越割越多的。
我一直在默默地閱讀一些病家的文章。其中一位，我以前在爬舊文時，看到病家有跟著我同一個師父學氣功，我便鬆了口氣。後來，看到病家沒再練了，和病家對西醫的充份信賴，和文章中寫的一些生活點滴，我便有預感復發不遙，只是沒想到來得如此之快。
希望病家還來得及回頭，乖乖練功，好好找個基本教義派的中醫去處理狀況。在心理上，與其說「看得開」，不如「發大願」。
另外一個故事，是一位病家的先生與我談話時說的一句話。「即使我早知道有能治的中醫，我還是不能冒這個險叫她不要開刀。」
這句話，讓我想起梁啟超被協和醫院枉割了一顆腎臟，還寫文章要全國人不要因為他的事而不再相信西醫，和孫逸仙「中醫靠著經驗也能把病醫好。西醫根據科學，有時也會醫不好。但西醫之於科學，如船之有羅盤。中醫根據經驗如船之不用羅盤。用羅盤的，有時會到不了岸，不用羅盤的有時也會到岸，但他還是相信羅盤」的話。
做一個知識份子，相信專家的研究，相信數據，並且至死不渝。這，應該算是真正學到科學的精神吧！
我選擇相信自己的感受，相信我周遭一個接一個付出健康代價的家人。我從別人身上學教訓，儘量不要讓自己發生教訓給別人學，就像我的車子與包包一樣。
Posted: Gossip (閒扯八卦), Health (健康)
從2001年以來，我一直與姓C的人特別有緣。
1992年，我的補習班老師姓C（簡稱C0），是對我一生影響最大的數學老師。如果不是他，我不會想當老師，不會敢念工科。
2001年，我的指導教授姓C。C也算是一位「大師﹞級的人物，當時我慕其名而捨T大研究所。最後，總結一句話，他大概覺得我是燙手山芋，我也從他身上見識到台灣學術圈裡的一些怪事。
2003年，與我交往，最後差點踏上紅毯的感情對象姓C。
2005年，在椰林認識，同時赴UF念書，一同進入同學會，最後在共事中對我不爽而緣盡的好友姓C。
2006年，與我認識，後來沒事就一起鬼混，勸我重操舊業，最後無法與我共事而緣盡的姊妹淘姓C。
2007年，在同學會裡，比我更能勝任會長的優秀副手姓C。
2008年，我來到加州，所有東西被偷後，收容我的新任同學會會長，最後發現又是姓C。
這些姓C的人裡，有一個共同點，就是剛開始的時候，都覺得聊得很投緣。
撇開C1是男生以外，和C6才剛認識以外，最後緣盡，都只因為很簡單的理由。
C6與C4有很多的類似之處，不過，又更多的閱歷，更多人生階段的蛻變與超越，對事物的觀點也常能超越對立與批判。
至於我，依舊不變—得失從緣，珍惜當下，緣盡還無，心無增減。別人能在我身上找到難以忍受的事而離去，我對別人，則是從Day 1到結束眼中只有別人的長處，口中只有讚歎。除了C1以外… :)
這些C裡，有一個已知曾得到癌症，另外應該有至少三個有很高的可能性。
Posted: Gossip (閒扯八卦), Sentiments (心情)
Yesterday, I received all replacement cards for all the credit cards and ATM cards that I lost.
With the help of R, I was able to replace my car’s broken window. The mechanic she recommended was an interesting person. The mechanic was a man in his sixties (or late fifties). Back in Taiwan, he was a practitioner in TCM or orthopedics. He could not understand why R and I would give up on what we had and devote into an area he left behind. “A physician can get sued for malpractice; a mechanic cannot,” he said.
Unlike other mechanics of Honda dealers who would give you a list of things suggested to replace or services to perform, this old mechanic from Taiwan was honest and always wanted to save customer’s money. I proposed a few things that I wanted, like tinting the new window, changing a weather strip, he just vetoed. “Why waste money on them?”
The mechanic in this repair store did a great job replacing the window. However, one thing upset me. One of the two rubber strips inside the bottom edge of the read window frame was bent downward. I asked an employed mechanic if he had a tool so I could flip it outward by myself. He just went a head to do it for me, maybe out of good heart to help a woman that has little idea about machines. The hook-tipped probe he used was the exact tool that I expected. What was unexpected was it left a stripe of torn tint film. Now, I really wanted to get someone to redo the tinting.
Unhappy at first, I soon recovered the mood and felt sympathetic about this employee. I even found a commonality between a mechanic and a physician. A physician’s prescription is like a sharp sword. A physician’s prescription should achieve its intended effect on the intended part of the patient’s body, just like a skilled swordsman waving a sword to cut clothes on a person. The force and speed should be just enough to cut the clothes open but not the person’s skin. This is the same with a mechanic, and no wonder the mechanic in Mr. Phu’s store back in Gainesville ignored my request to flip the rubber strip. Maybe that mechanic knew the consequences. A good physician and a good mechanic should know the consequences or side-effects of his treatment, and should employ all possible means to avoid them. A physician and a mechanic who has no idea on what consequence to expect is absolutely not a good one.
Posted: Life (生活瑣碎), TCM notes (中醫筆記)
California seldom seems to rain at this time of the year. If it were in Florida, its interior would have been all wet by now. The dry weather saves me one thing to worry about.
Without a credit card, I could not even book a hotel or extend the stay at the current hotel. I was forced to check out this morning.
So, instead of rushing to DMV to see if they would possibly allow me to acquire a California ID, I stayed at the hotel all the morning. So I could make calls to banks to cancel my cards and have them overnight new cards. I also reached out to a couple of Gainesville Taiwanese residents who happened to have relatives or friends in California to see if they could accommodate me for a couple of nights. I was also lucky enough to be contacted by a student who happened to flew Florida the same day I left for California. She passed my information to the current President of Chinese Student Council. I was called in late afternoon and this newly elected President generously offer me to stay in her house for a couple of nights, as well as some cash.
The cash came just in time. Yesterday, I was left with less than $80 of cash. I spent $50 on passport and its photos, $10+ on two meals. The trips to the school, DMV, TECO, and the Police Department exhausted all my gasoline. The remaining $15 will be enough for only 1/4 tank of gas.
Hopefully, I will receive at least one credit card by tomorrow. Then, I can book another hotel and get my car window repaired. If my ATM card arrives, I would be able to check in to my apartment.
Things are finally working out, after all these turbulence.
Chatted for hours with President R. Talked about our past experiences, why the devotion into TCM, possible interdisciplinary cooperation centering TCM, the school, its curriculum, the teachers.
Posted: Life (生活瑣碎)
Day two in California. My lovely Honda Accord was delivered to me this morning. I thought it was the beginning of a wonderful day getting settled–submit the missing documents to school, have a good meal (after a 24-hour fast), sign the apartment lease.
When I pulled the car into the parking space on campus, instead of stepping on the brake, I forcibly stepped on the fuel pad. Noticing the car accelerating, I was frightened and within a split of second changed to step on the brake, but not as hard. The car did not stop in time. It ran into the curb and was stopped by the collision. I turned off the engine, look around the car and saw no apparent damage to the exterior. The curb was not high enough to hit the bottom panel of the car. Otherwise, my heart would have hurt more. I thought I would bring it to a mechanic for inspection when I got a chance.
The bad luck I thought was over did not end there.
I went into the school building, handed in the documents that I owed, and returned to my car 10 minutes later. Wow! My front passenger window was smashed. “What a fierce collision I had,” I thought to myself, “I need to take the car to a mechanic ASAP, then.” The collision looked worse than I thought.
I opened the driver’s door, ignited the engine, and looked around the glass splinters scattered inside the car. “Where is my hand bag?” I noticed something was wrong. In a few seconds, I realized I was now in big trouble, as I lost everything—passport, driver’s license, checkbook, ATM card, several credit cards, $300+ of cash, UF Gator One (my lovely photo!). I knew I need to do something with it, but I had no cellphone—it was not stolen though. My forgetfulness saved my phone.
I went back to the school office, a secretary was nice enough to lend me her cellphone so I could call the insurance company, GEICO, and the police department. My blood sugar was already low. So under this unexpected situation, I was not even able to listen to the voice menu before it was replayed several times and I realized that I needed to calm down to handle it.
GEICO was not very helpful. Although I had comprehensive coverage, the $500-deductible will unlikely be surpassed by the charges to replace the window. The insurance does not cover the property loss that is not related to an accident.
The police officer came later. Except for recording my loss and give me a case number, there was nothing she could do about it. The burglar did not even leave a fingerprint on the door.
I met a couple of Chinese students that I met last time I was here. They treated me a lunch bento and told me to feel free to let them know if I need any help, even financially. The incident surprised them as it was the first one they heard in the past two years.
My heart was already peaceful before I left school. “If it is destined to happen, wouldn’t it be good to happen sooner than later?” as I told Professor Feng. Now I still have plenty of time to wasted on the bureaucratic DMV office and to travel to TECO (Taipei Economic and Cultural Office at LA), twice, to report the loss of my passport and get a reissue. I have plenty of time to call the banks, waiting tens of minutes on the phone, to suspend my cards. I have enough time to afford not living in my apartment—everything in my household was still being shipped anyway.
I also lost all the receipts from the past two or three months. So, those who owed me money—you will probably be happy about it.
It seemed that God heard my complaint about being bored before the moving company could deliver everything to me. He decided then to let me have some fun. I was glad He did not literally take everything from me. I couldn’t imagine what I could do without my cellphone and laptop, and, well, my car. :) I was also luckily that my car only ran into a curb instead of another vehicle, and that only my tires were hit, not my bumper or other part of my car.
I was glad that He taught me to use caution, as I tended to trust people too much, even strangers. It was a hard lesson, but not too hard. I learned it and won’t make the same mistake again, ever!
Anyway, now, I only have about $50 cash, 5 gallons of gas, all the contact info in my cellphone, and my laptop. I will see if I can restore my life before I run out of my resource.
I hope I still have time to study the Inner Canon of the Yellow Emperor before school begins at the end of the month.
Toll:
$300+ cash
$200 car window replacement (plus charges for fixing damage caused by collision)
$60 Vera Bradley handbag
$30 Vera Bradley purse
$36 passport, $100+ F1 visa (I have wanted to replace them with my new photos), $8 passport photo
$28 driver’s license
???: restaurant checks that should be split among other friends and me
Priceless: Gator One card
$0: ATM cards, credit card, etc. In fact, BOA will overnight the new ATM card to me. They finally have a chance to do something that makes me comfortable after I paid them so much penalties. :)
心得：衰神開始附身的時候，要安住慌亂的心。氣定了，運才能轉，否則，衰事會一件接一件來，就像今天一下。
Posted: Life (生活瑣碎)
“People nowadays do not care to put efforts into (herbal) medicines and secrets of disease treatment, which, as well as maintain long healthy lives of themselves, can cure from the emperors and the parents to the socially and economically disadvantaged.” Chung-jing Chang (150-219), in preface to Shan Han Lun (傷寒雑病論; “Treatise on Cold Pathogenic and Miscellaneous Diseases”)
「當今居世之士，曾不留神醫藥，精究方術，上以療君親之疾，下以救貧賤之厄，中以保身長全，以養其生。」張仲景，傷寒雜病論序。
Abstract
I am leaving my PhD program in computer engineering, as well as the information technology industry, for good. After all these years of studies in computer science since college, this is undoubtedly a sudden and major change of path. In the next few years, I will acquire a master’s degree in oriental medicine, be an apprentice of a prestigious master in traditional Chinese medicine, pass certification exams, and become an acupuncture physician. I am happy and excited to carry out this long-standing dream early. This article elaborates the story for those that are curious.
Beginning of a Dead End
I spent the past fifteen years studying computer engineering and working in the industry. People benefited from the fast evolution and proliferation of computer technologies that penetrated into almost every research field and everyone’s daily life. It was this benefit to human’s convenience that deeply fascinated me. There has been legends of engineers/entrepreneurs making big money. That was a plus, of course!
Then, why give up on an area that I already spent so much time and effort?
First, be honest—I am not smart enough to learn fast, I don’t work hard enough, and I won’t pass the PhD qualify exams in computer engineering. :)
This past summer semester, I spent my time exclusively on the preparation. I only managed to finish one area, and I would need to pass, in October, exams in two areas, each consists of materials from at least three courses. Can I possibly finish the other area? Yes, but only possible if I work like crazy and stay up like I used to—two things I don’t want to do any more and have refrained from doing since May.
If I can almost expect a definite failure with this pace of progress, why wait? Even if I am lucky enough to pass, how long will it still take to graduate? Two? Three? Four? Or ever? Who knows?
Two Options
If I leave, I am left with two options—find a job, or fulfill my other dream?
I was frustrated when I first opened the textbook of the Computer Architecture course, which was part of one area that I planned to take. The textbook was now in its 4th edition; roughly half of the material covered by its 2nd edition, which was used as textbook while I was taking this course back in 2002, was now in the appendices. So there were not only old things to pick up but more new things to catch up with.
This fast evolution has been the norm of computer engineering, and I should not have been so surprised. But how many years ahead will this aging body allow myself to keep up with the cutting-edge? An optimistic estimation would be until I am 50, which means only 15+ years from now.
“Do I want to get a job, if I can, that pays well, possibly at the price of my health, and then retire to spend the money on rehab?” I asked myself. “Or am I willing to work a job that, though not paying off as well, potentially helps more people, and that I am more likely to enjoy doing even until I am very old?”
I decided to not only drop out of the PhD program, but leave the information technology industry, for good.
The other option is to be a physician of traditional Chinese medicine.
Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and I
My first experience with TCM dates back to 1989, or earlier. It was not until 2001, though, that I had really irritating health issues that I knew no physicians of western medicine (“medical doctors”) would find the cause, much less a proper treatment. The TCM expert I met did cure my problems, as well as my friends’ problems which had never been treated properly.
I always remember my first visit. She told me lots of do’s and don’ts—how to eat, what to cook with, when to sleep, and what to avoid. Many of her teachings, especially diet, contradicted to my knowledge acquired in school and from media. I practiced in doubt, but the result was amazing. My issues receded and my vibrancy restored, quickly. My complexion looked just great!
Trained to think scientifically, I was not content with my own witness. I really wanted to know why this regimen worked. In fact, my experiences with Chi Kung (or Qi Gong; 氣功) and Buddhism also amazed me as they share a vast commonality, despite seemingly different approaches and ultimate objectives.
However, I was so eager to study computer engineering abroad, and exposures to TCM, Chi Kung, and Buddhism were just intended to enhance my physical and mental strength and to overcome the obstacles that could prevent me from leaving Taiwan. I overlooked my interest, in these things, that was built up during these years.
I did think of learning TCM, but only after I graduate, find a job, make some money, and have a life—just to understand “why.”
TCM Experience in Florida with Dr. Ni
In early 2005, about half a year before I left for the US, I was in National Chung Cheng University (CCU) preparing my paperwork for applications for US graduate schools. One day, I shared my experience in TCM, Chi Kung, and Buddhism, with a PhD student colleague. He was so surprised at the similarities between my own experience and the content from the website of “some TCM physician.” He even showed me some of the physician’s articles, but I thought that was just “yet another TCM physician in Taiwan.”
Since I was elected President of Taiwanese Student Association at UF last November, its duty took precedence over my schoolwork. Even worse, I ended up getting a sleep after sunrise at best; in fact, I often slept every other day. My performance deteriorated unacceptably, and relationships went all sour. (The bright side: true friends stayed.)
The worst followed. I noticed some stubborn symptoms that would not go away and that I knew were important signs of serious health problems. I resigned, disgusted, tired and sick of it.
Then I started surveying acupuncture physicians in Gainesville and even visited a couple of them. None was satisfying, in my standard. During the search, I recalled the acupuncture physician that my colleague mentioned to me. I found his website again and, this time, read one article after another until I went through most of them. His articles mostly focus on the following topics: proper diet, nutrition supplements, prevention and treatment of diseases, case reports, criticism of conventional (western) medicine, and critiques of latest health news reports.
Most surprisingly, his address said “FL.” I thought I must be too tired—wasn’t it “yet another TCM physician in Taiwan?” Even if he was in Florida, Merritt Island was still too far for me to visit. But in the end, I decided to go anyway. There was no better choice up here.
The experience was great. Visits to Ni’s clinic also cleared the doubts that I had with TCM. Despite all the prior personal witnesses I had with it, I wanted answers to questions like: is TCM effective in “incurable or serious diseases,” such as all kinds of cancers, leukemia, SLE (“lupus”), heart diseases, stroke, renal failures, diabetes, epilepsy? Back in Taiwan, where TCM physicians were abundant, I did hear patients of these issues cured. But more often, there were news reports in which TCM physicians only played a role in assisting patients get better prepared for chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and surgery. If I am going to be a TCM physician, I don’t want to be play a “tributary” or secondary role, under “regular” physicians. I want to be a physician that can treat all disease by myself.
But then, what is the limitation of TCM? Why are so many TCM physicians unable to cure diseases?
Dr. Ni’s patients I saw in the clinic answered my question with their own miracles.
I even took my mother, who suffered epilepsy and took medicine to control it for thirty years, to see Dr. Ni. It was amazing to see how he, in his diagnosis of the root of her issues, applied the simple TCM-based principles he introduced in his articles. He explained to us (and the fifteen apprentices surrounding us) how the disease developed and how it would be treated; he patiently educated us the do’s and don’ts. I thought he would demand her to cease taking her prescription medicines, because I knew they were expediting her dementia. Out of my surprise, he did not urge her to do it immediately, but instead paid tribute to the medicines that at best suppressed her symptoms, “they kept you alive until now, anyway.” Dr. Ni demonstrated his confidence and his care for patients. “Live a happy life; don’t worry about your disease. Let me worry about it,” he said to many of his patients.
Cherish the Last Healthy Elder Family Member
In retrospect, my grandmother and my father died of liver cancer. My grandfather was found to have a tumor in his bladder when I was in college, given an endoscopic surgery to remove it, but in the ten years that followed, the cancer transferred to his kidneys, which were removed consequently. (Interestingly, by the standard of western medicine, he survived over five years and was probably counted toward the “successfully treated.”) Since then he has been receiving hemodialysis three times a week. Another grandfather and grandmother suffered diabetes and high blood pressure. One already died of diabetic complications; the other developed serious dementia. Both were under my close monitoring of blood sugar levels, medication, and diet, when I was in Taiwan. I read a lot of book on diabetes and high blood pressure and strictly followed my physicians’ teachings, in the hope of maintaining their quality of life. Their diseases still went out of control in just a few years, in much the same way as late Taiwanese president Ching-kuo Chiang (蔣經國), who had the best medical team to monitor, 24/7, his blood sugar level and medication but ended up amputated and blind, dying of diabetic complications.
Alas, it took me two grandparents to admit that TCM teachings are right that diabetic patients should not use “control of blood sugar levels” as a measure of treatment. High blood sugars, like high blood pressures, are “symptoms,” not the “causes.”
I always remember the time after my father was diagnosed liver cancer. The entire family fell in desperation, not knowing where to find a physician who would cure his disease, much less how to live without his income. Twenty years later, with just minimal exposure to TCM, I could recall that he revealed a number of signs that indicated his disease long before his physicians were able to diagnose properly.
Now I am only left with one elder family member, my mother, who could be described as “healthy.” I swear that I won’t allow any physicians of western medicine to ruin it, and that I will do the best I can to defend her health.
The “Last Straw”
Chung-jing Chang (around 150-219) was a governor before an influenza pandemic killed 2/3 of his family and people. He resigned to learn medicine and sharpen skills in diagnosis and treatment of diseases, and wrote Shan Han Lun (Treatise on Cold Pathogenic and Miscellaneous Diseases; 傷寒雜病論). After almost two thousand years, TCM physicians nowadays still use his principles in diagnosis and prescriptions based on his formulas in treatment of even new diseases that emerged lately. His quote (see beginning of this article) moved me, echoed in my mind, and helped me make up my mind.
Plans
To fulfill the requirements of license exams, I will attend acupuncture school at the west coast, expecting to complete the four-year program in about three years. Hopefully I will pass the certification exams early 2012. During the quarter breaks, I will be back in Merritt Island, Florida to be an apprentice of Dr. Ni. For thousand of years, the wisdom and secret of TCM (and many other Oriental disciplines) were passed on over generations through apprenticeship. Today, it still is.
I will have only one thing in mind, one thing that I care—to be an excellent physician of TCM. My parents and grandparents could have had a different outcome. I don’t want to see anyone involuntarily follow their paths.
I am happy and excited about the road ahead. I appreciate my mother’s unconditional support for this new path. I always had an alternative.
Waste of Time?
Some may ask if it is a pity to give up so easily on an area which I have already devoted so many years of effort. Some may ask it was a big mistake to follow a friend’s advice and run for TWSA election, which apparently only impacted my schoolwork adversely. I feel no pity or regret. In fact, if I were not upset by the tough requirements of my department, if I were not admitted to UF, if I had not been elected President and exhausted, I would probably never meet Dr. Ni in person. I would probably not start learning TCM until a lot later, if ever.
I believe God has a plan, and diseases are good teachers. You just have to listen with your heart open.
Some Comparisons
Physicians of western medicine manage to hamper the development of diseases at best, if they don’t kill, innocently, their patients with treatments that are oftentimes worse than the diseases being treated. My prejudiced comparison of computer engineers with conventional physicians: computer engineers sacrifice their health in exchange of their wealth and everyone else’s convenience and well-being, but nobody knows their names; physicians sacrifice patients health and lives in exchange of a fortune, and the family of the patients thank what the physicians do regardless.
Technologies and conventional western medicine, no matter how fast they developed and how many discoveries were made, had only little help in the curing of diseases. In this modern era, most people still feel helpless in the face of diseases. This was the fundamental reason that always pressed deep inside to make a switch.
There is one thing in common between computer engineering and TCM, though. They benefit people’s convenience and qualify of life. No matter I am an engineer or become a physician, this motivation stays the same. I do believe a physician would help more people than an engineer. In the end, without health, how would one enjoy the conveniences brought by engineers?
Posted: Sentiments (心情)
1. 昨天夢到的，BOA在University Ave上分行的經理茱莉亞是個TG。
2. xxxxx一點都不像韓國人，但是我隔壁的隔壁那對韓國人鄰居，太太長得真的很像妳。
Posted: Gossip (閒扯八卦), Just between you and me (悄悄話), Temporary
系上的偉人學長臨走前，被一個同社區的印度人抝，害他越想越不爽（不爽是我自己的誤讀），寫下了這篇爛好人事件簿。
傍晚，我去UPS領包裹。前面只有三個人，卻等了我半小時。連我後面的隊伍都處理完了，我的都還沒完。
一個原本排我後面的印度人，領了他的包裹，在一旁把玩端詳。我猜我知道他在想什麼，建議他把包裹打開，確認一下已鬆脫的包裝裡，是否有掉東西。他聽了我的話，把它拆了檢視。裡頭是填充材料，包圍著一個小一點的紙箱。
「筆電？」我問。
「嗯！對呀！」
然後他想把他封起來。拿起櫃台上的膠帶槍，卻不知道該怎麼用。我便幫他封口。
「橫過來再封一次。」他說。
我便幫他沿垂直方向再封一次。
處理完了，看他想離開又沒馬上離開，開始跟我攀談起來。問我是不是開車來？（是呀。）問我從哪裡過來，是不是UF的學生？（不是。）還不死心，問我是不是會經過校園。（沒有。）
小朋友，你的意圖很明顯，我只好說謊了。老娘不想載你也不敢載你，雖然你個頭比我學妹還小。
終於UPS處理完我的事，我驅車回家的路上，見到他把筆電的大紙箱捧在懷裡，沉重的腳步在夕陽下拖著。我估算他還要走二十分鐘才走得到公車站，然後運氣不好的話還要再等三十分鐘才等得到公車，公車還要再開半小時才到得了校園。如果他不是要進辦公室的話，還要再花相當的時間才回得了家。中間沒地方喝水和上廁所。
這讓我想起了當時為什麼一念之間忽然決定買車，正是每天走路走到實在很心酸。比這位印度小朋友幸福的，是我除了筆電外，家裡還能夠讓我買車。
But anyway，我那時不載你，真的一心只有一個念頭：我要替我已經不在的學長報仇。orz…
Posted: Life (生活瑣碎), Love (愛情), Soliloquy (自言自語)
UF每年的秋季開學不久，都會有一群學生自發性地辦內衣夜奔活動。
簡單來說，在半夜時，先在Turlington廣場集合，然後把衣服脫掉，延著規劃好的路線跑。所有脫掉的衣服，將有專人收集，捐給遊民收容所。
今年的內衣夜奔活動的網頁在此。
Posted: UFL (佛大點滴)
